Chasing Rainbows

Unsure

There are a lot of fears that seem to hold me back. I’m trying my hardest to conquer them because they’re really silly, how is it physically so difficult for me to press send on a completed application?

I feel like a lot of my friends have come and gone and I’m stuck here not moving anywhere, it’s almost making me feel depressed. More people I know are moving on and getting out of here then why am I not? I think that’s why lately I’ve been a bit more quite or feel sad inside lately around others and haven’t really gone out of my way to hangout with anyone. I guess I’m just in this rut right now and starting to feel sad and closing myself off which I know I shouldn’t do.

This is just a battle within myself that I have to try and win at the moment. I just needed to write it all out and put it out there right now.

Ahhh

So much not going on in my life, but I guess I can put up all my many thoughts up here.  So I’ve been shadowing an optometrist for a little while, so far I like it don’t really have any complaints.  I’m applying for the masters program at Fresno State and at the same time am going to look into applying to optometry school possibly? 

I had a conversation with my sister she suggested I become a clinical psychologist, because of what she sees in me and how I interact with my friends and people etc.  That was a nice thing to hear, I’ve always wondered if that’s something I would like to do.  I figured if I went into a field like that I’d live in L.A. where most the crazies are and maybe pull a dr. phil have a t.v. show and write a book what do you think? sounds a little crazy but who knows the world is at my fingertips right now and anything is possible, I just have to pick which road to travel.

Or do I choose the path of becoming an M.D. and go to the Caribbean for school again? 

These are all the options I’m stuck between right now, I guess I’m just waiting for a sign that’ll never come and trying to figure out my life.  I feel like my life is going to pass me by and i’m going to be this old lady when I finally have a career.  I keep telling myself you’re only young once and to try and enjoy life and not force myself to rush into anything, but I also had so many goals for myself initially that I didn’t meet.  but I guess 30 is the new 20 I hope when I hit 30 maybe my life will be figured out then?

Onto the topic of boys, there’s really absolutely nothing going on in my life, I think I need to move out of fresno to find someone that I’d like to be with cause I don’t think it’ll be happening in fresno even though we do have a 500k population here.  I can’t even believe those numbers 500,000 people in fresno? STFU is that for real? haha anyways thats my update finally :) 

scared

I had a nightmare last night.  Paranormal activity style.  I was apparently yelling at some ghost that was in this house i’ve never been in before.  I was there with my mom sister niece and nephew.  I really really hate scary movies, and have no idea whyyyy I dreamt up something like that.  I was trying to prove to everyone there was a ghost in the house, and therefore taunting this spirit to reveal itself.  I WOULD NEVER do this in real life so I have no idea why I was doing it in my dream, and woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. 

Moving on from the scary dream.  I feel like I’ve come such a long way from this heartbroken sniveling depressed version of myself that I was only months ago.  I feel a lot stronger, and have a lot of pride.  There’s just this small bit of fear that lives inside of me, what happens if I run into him? I keep telling myself I’ll ignore him, and that I know it’ll make my heart race and that doesn’t mean I’m in love with him.  I dread the day I run into him.  I hate how small this world can be at times.  Two of my close friends have already seen him out and about in Fresno.  He’s apparently working at the Wal-Mart on Palm.  I guess I wont be going to that Wal-Mart anytime soon.  I feel as if I’m over him but then why carry this fear within me? what am I really afraid of? Am I afraid that I might actually not be over him as much as I think I am?

I don’t think he’s the Chuck to my Blair, or Mr. Big to my Carrie.  I hate how much television series romanticize certain relationships.  I really do think it gives people this false idea of what a relationship should be.  Why would anyone keep allowing themselves to be strung along?  I know as viewers we sit back and think OMG he loves you, you two NEED to be together.  I think that’s where we should leave those comments rather than apply ideas like that into our lives.  In real life if a guys afraid of commitment, then get out of that situation.  I think people become addicted to drama and emotional roller coasters.  Why not be with someone who still brings passion into your life but knows they want you? Why be with someone who doesn’t want you? Why do we want what we can’t have? I see that happen so many times.  

I watched 500 days of summer again, I initially HATED that movie when I first watched it.  Watching it a second time around after going through all the emotions I have, I must say the movie wasn’t bad at all.  When I first watched it I never knew heartbreak, so I couldn’t understand the movie and just thought it was stupid.  Now I know what it is.  There’s a scene in the movie where they show expectations vs. reality.  I think we need to not have these idealized expectations of people.  Don’t lower your expectations but don’t let yourself be blinded by infatuation/love.  

2012

I’ve been really bad at updating this thing lately since I hardly ever use my laptop these days.  2012 has been going great so far I know its only been a week but I hope this year continues to go as well as it has been so far!  2011 started off good but was reallyyyyy rocky in the middle.  I’m truly feeling happy where i’m at in this moment, and hope that I don’t go back to the bad place I was in before.  So here’s to you 2012, may this year be one of the best.  :)

Giddy

I’m sooo damn giddy right now. I mean I don’t know/think anything will happen but I had a lot of fun tonight!!! I kind of gave my number to a bartender lol well a friend of mine oh so kindly put my number on the receipt hahahahaha!!! I haven’t felt so embarrassed as I have tonight! Haha thanks for awesome guy friends and girl friends lol!!!

Ahhh

I’ve been really bad at using tumblr lately…since I’ve been home and now have my iPhone I hardly everrrrrr use my laptop. I haven’t used my laptop in quite a few days, I’m updating this from my phone at the moment…soooo yeaaa I need to get back to using my laptop again haha. Anyways thats all I really had to say, and let the world out there know that I’m still alive…still believe in the good in the world, it’s just harder to find the older you get. I’m in a much happier place lately, I don’t think anyone really knows what a dark place I really was in, I really didn’t want to live anymore. I’m finding a spark inside myself reigniting and I’m starting to feel alive again. Anyways that’s all. Goodnight ppl.

blah

I hope I’m not coming down with anything I haven’t really felt all that great today.  On top of feeling lethargic I haven’t been able to get the ex out of my head these past couple of days.  There’s no point in dwelling on the past, but lately I just keep thinking about it all ughhhh.  I just need to learn that not everyone will ever be sorry for their actions.  Its weird I’ve come to a point where I’m not really angry, I still don’t ever want anything to do with that person ever again in my life because of the harsh things he said that I still can’t forget, and will probably never truly forgive.  I will however move on, and I feel like i’ve come so far and am finally finding happiness.  There was a point where I truly lost all motivation to do anything and I don’t know if anyone can understand that.  I was in one of the darkest places i’ve ever been, I really didn’t see any point to life.  I thank all the people that listened to me talk on and on about it all, and those that deleted him (not because I asked) but because they were just having my back through it all.  haha two people specifically know I would’ve asked them to look at something on their “phones” and would’ve just looked at his fb.  So thank you for making sure I don’t try to steal your phones and snoop around.

I know he’s moving on, and he’s dating someone else.  I guess I just didn’t expect it to be 1 month after he broke up with me.  Sometimes I find it hard to not compare myself to this new girl.  In my mind I can’t ever think badly of people I don’t know, so in my head this girls perfect.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking she’s prettier than me, into sports, thinner, etc. etc.

I know I can’t do that to myself, because I don’t know this person and every individual has their flaws.  I also have no idea what their relationship is like.  

Also I don’t know if I believe in love anymore but I do have hope that someday maybe there will be someone else who will make me believe once again.  I don’t want anything with anyone at the moment.  If I follow through with applying to med schools then I wont really have time for a relationship in school anyways.  I know some people may find it strange that I decided to change from vet med to human medicine.  Yes I do love animals, I love them a lot, BUT at the same time sitting through all those classes and working my ass off I did contemplate why am I not in medical school instead.  I was learning the same things a med student would learn.  I’m not picking med school because I think its easier, I feel like some people think I don’t realize that it will be difficult.  I know that it will be tough.  Vet school is really tough and maybe the people thinking I’m picking human med feel my view is that med school is easier must not think very highly of vets then.  They’re both really difficult in their own ways, and many similar ways as well. 

There’s an old episode of Seinfeld where kramer states he’d rather go see a vet cause they have to learn about every animal, so I say more props to my vet school friends.  I’m picking human medicine because there are more options out there for me, I’m really leaning towards psychiatry, but who knows if during school I find another passion.  I think the background I do have from having gone to vet school will benefit me because I’m not going to let myself forget that knowledge and I’ll apply it to whenever I go to school :).

anywho people those were some of my random ass thoughts keeping me up, and I guess it kind of turned into a rant as well.  Goodnight lovelies.  

wow

So a lot of unexpected things have happened recently.  I definitely wouldn’t have thought these things would happen.  If the ex knew about this stuff I’m pretty sure it would bother him.  I’m just glad that i’m moving on.  I’m not getting into another relationship at all.  I’m just having some fun in my life right now and am enjoying the single life with no particular commitments to one person.  Anyways that’s all I’ve got to say :)